0303

prolog

yang terakhir,

yang aku tujukan untuk kamu,

pengecut yg membuatku jatuh

dalam —Siapa namamu? 

di 02.23

mari kita sambung

percakapan yang belum rampung

kataku;

aku hanya ingin enyah, tanpa permisi

monolog

hari ini, beberapa hari setelah aku enyah

entah, aku malah jadi mengerti,

jika sebenarnya kamu sudah mengerti

jauh sebelum aku ingin enyah

kamu mengerti kan?

apa pura-pura tak mengerti lagi?

...

perihal cinta, itu basi

aku ingin bertanya sekali 

siapa yg kamu bohongi dalam peran ini?

aku atau diri sendiri?

...

perihal hujan, kamu sengaja

padahal kamu bisa saja beranjak

tanpa meninggalkan lagu sedih

karena jujur, aku tak ingin kamu lagi

...

tapi kembalikan apa-apa

yg sempat menjadi milikku

kembalikan semuanya;

malam-malamku, sujudku

dan semua orang-orang

yang pernah kamu rebut kesempatannya

...

ini kah yang kamu sebut penyelesaian

ketika kita pernah berpapasan

dan tak saling mengenali lagi

ini kah yang kamu banggakan

rasa sungkan dan takut menyakiti

...

kamu dan aku akan terus seperti ini

tak mampu menghadapi, memilih pergi

epilog

persetan aku tak butuh akhir

pada prolog semua berakhir

apabila mengatai adalah karmaku

tak sudi aku jatuh cinta di lain waktu

— , 2017

0351

Well..

First of all I would like to say happy sweet seventeen to our precious earth, in his twenty centuries. Its been a while isnt it?

How did you manage all of this things? With every ups and downs, every phrase, and every results. You grow older earth, so did I. 

Thank you for all the journey, for makes me witnessing every beautiful places, meet me with amazing people and their experience too. Most of all thanks for brings me in this world with a good skill in English hahaha. Nope. 

How it feel turns into a twenty centuries? I do really miss our golden times in 90's. For God sake, it was great. But you know? I'm scared. This is my last year into that "teenth" year before I turn into a twenty something. So much to carry on, I guess I'm just not ready to be a grown up woman. 

I do remember the old me right now, but sometimes I wonder did the future me will remember the version of me right now when I about to write this post, in the middle of the night try to figure out how to sleep normally again? 

Who knows? 

Scrolling this site of mine has reminding me about everything that I want to earn in the next couple years. But here I am.. dissapointing the old version of me.

I'm sorry I couldnt make it to be an architect, or though I want to be an author secretly.. look at me, try to make this site alive with 9 non-active followers. I'm sorry. Rather than how to build a dreaming house, all I know was what's the mean of marginal return to scale and how to calculate the welfare of our country. I never ask to be an economist, but thats okay.. at least I do know some cool people at college who teach me how to do make up and draw a good eyebrow. What? Still nope.

Its 03.06 right know, it sucks really. Its getting worse. My sleeping routine. Why did I always sleep twice in a day and awake in the night. 

So tomorrow will be a productive day of my one and half a month holiday. I held the meeting with some friends, because the upcoming event is on march. So yeah.

God is testing me with this recently news about 3 students that passed away while held this similarly event of mine. May they rest in peace. I hope it doesnt affect anything so my event can doing so well. 

The best of 2016? I think it would be cuddling. Whoops. Friends, lovers, or nothing. Ah john mayer, you create such a good music. I dont know.

Do you ever scared about the idea of getting marriage? Because I do. You know.. I dont want to spend my whole life with the wrong person. Though its not a teenager relationship we cant just break up, move on, and stuff. Its so different in whole new level. What if someday I woke up in bed and feels that he's not the one and I'm not happy with this life. 

I hate commitment. I do have trust issues. I'm loner and I'm a hopeless romantic. 

Can I just be alone, proud about myself, not worrying about some guys that throwing shit at me, catching my own feelings, and pretend that its okay? Because its not okay at all. 

I believe I do married in 26 or maybe 27. Cause I'm too busy earn some money and enjoying my life. Buying some luxury stuff and doing an assets investment.

Oh God why do we girls need to find a right man in our life

Why do our parents keep teaching us to find a succesfull man with not so handsome face, to avoid the cheating problems in our marriage life. Why do our parents keep telling us to have 2 children because it is enough. But not enough if you hasn't got a baby boy. Sexism. Patrialtism. Everywhere. 

Fuck off. Screw them all. I promise to myself, years from now I will graduate with an average IPK. Still enough to get a job on a prestise firm. I will do my double degree, on any major, in any country. Whatever. I dont want to makes any detail plans or resolutions, and for what may I ask? All my plans were fail, but there's always some better ways ahead. I will find a good man who will love me forever, so he always drive me to fast food restaurant after works just to get me a Big Mac and hoping I will stay healthy. He will stole my parents heart and hanging out with my younger brother. I swear to God I will find him somewhere out of the box. 

This is it. I hope this post is not ending up somewhere, or in the draft of this site because it gets older and impossible. 

I can do this. Have faith in myself, let go of everything, and let God take the control.

May God sending the good things for all the people who've been good to me.

May God protect me from all the bad people with their bad purposes too.

Okay citta.. here goes nothing.

0242

apabila beban itu terasa berat

maka letakkan sejenak

aku percaya kau tak sengaja

atau malah sebenarnya sengaja

bukan urusanku juga apabila bertanya

bagaimana, dimana, seperti apa rasanya

tapi kamu sungguh menyesal

membuatku merasa iba

membuatku ingin selalu ada

kamu boleh memendam dosa

akan aku bantu dengan doa-doa

meski tak dapat diulangi

setidaknya dapat diobati

karena yang sempat membawa kebaikan

tak pantas direndahkan lalu diabaikan

—Seseorang paling tabah, 2017

0208

Aku tidak benar-benar pagi

Karena pada malam-malam yang sama

Aku akan sibuk terjaga dan menjaga

Mengkhawatirkan sebuah kedatangan 

Membenamkan firasat dan sebagainya

Barangkali kemungkinan itu ada

Akan kutampung air mata paling dalam

Sambil pura-pura saling mengacuhkan

—Terjaga dan Menjaga, 2017

0259

Datang, Pergi

Di sebuah imaji desa

Untuk kehadiranmu, pembangkit masa kanak-kanak

Mengayunkan perasaan kepada sepasang lengan

Keluar memanjat sebuah dahan demi menantang hujan

Terjatuh pada matahari terbenam terluka di sedetik pejam

Datang, Pulang

Di sebuah imaji desa

Untuk aku yang sudah dewasa

Kepada kau yang sudah binasa

-Merantau Kota Waktu, 2017

0327

beberapa tahun lagi saat malam nanti

aku ingin memelukmu dari belakang

tak lama, 2 menit 17 detik saja

karena kamu akan sibuk, air mu matang

aku akan liat teve dan tak menganggu

paling-paling kamu akan bertanya 

mie goreng atau mie kuah sayang?

aku tersenyum tak bosan menjawabnya

berulang kali meski tak pernah kau hafal

kuah rasa kari, jgn lupa telurnya diaduk

kita akan makan tidak di meja makan

tapi duduk bersila dan bersandar di sofa

kau dengan celana pendekmu

aku dengan gelungan di rambutku

tak sabar menghabiskan malam

menonton dvd bajakan hingga terlelap

membuatkanmu teh,

lalu mencium tanganmu sebelum kerja

akan kusiram anggrek yg digantung

memotong rumput yg mulai panjang

berdandan, memakai kalung dan lipstick

pergi arisan, bergosip bersama teman

lalu sore hari kau akan menjemputku

memasuki rumah yg telah kita bangun

mencium mu dibalik pintu 

melempar handuk ke arahmu

biar aku yg memasak, mau ayam kecap?

ah lupa! pagi ini aku tidak masak nasi

kita putar lagu saja berdansa 

kira-kira nanti album the script

masih enak didengar tidak ya?

aku akan memelukmu sambil menunggu

tukang sate, nasi goreng, tahu tek..

terserah lah apa saja! 

yang penting lewat depan rumah

karena sayang..

mencinta mu juga membutuhkan tenaga

kamu harus sabar..

karena aku akan lapar setiap hari! 

—Beberapa Tahun Lagi, 2017

0250

Shelika,

rupanya kamu betah diri

hidup seperti ini

melepas rantai tawanan

tapi berdoa

mereka tak akan kabur

adalah perkataanmu

yg paling pantas dirantai

lepaskan mereka

karena dosa mu membuat jera

kemudian menderita

segera tutup omong kosongmu

lari peluk kekasihmu

temukan hati paling kuat

yg tak mangkat

meski dipasung kata-kata

-Kata-Kata Shelika, 2017

0405

aku ingat seberapa kuat

kau mencoba untuk putih

namun nyatanya

aku hanya hitam

yg kau teguk sekali

ketika sepi

atau ingin lupa

mabuk menjauh

lalu tak sadarkan diri

-vīgintī novēm ,2017

0313

apabila

jam itu

berputar

kearah

berlawanan

bisakah

kau

jatuh cinta

tidak

dalam angan

kini

aku janjikan

waktu

kembali

agar aku

kau cintai

sekali

lagi

0353

I

God,

you've been nice to me

when you sent me a present

a giant box with shiny burgundy ribbon

a day after i thought i was lost it

he shows up, after an eternity hiding

i guess im okay with that

II

God,

you've been mean to me

when he said he once was a sober,

wont quit smoking untill get cough

a day after i beg him not to leave me

he opens up to me after a long silences

i guess im okay with that

III

God,

i've patiently waiting, i swear

when you believe he will pass it all

a dark times with rejection

a day before our eyes fall into each other

i think he was the answer

are you gonna okay with that? 

—Leftover, Hangover and Question, 2016

ps: this poem was published during a Fajr times. oh God. what a coincidence.